I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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