i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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