I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I met the friendliest cop last night
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
