Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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