i think my tv is drunk
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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