I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
