I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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