My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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