So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
