my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
