Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
