Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
