my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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