you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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