Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
