just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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