You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Be still, my beating vagina.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
