my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
