How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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