you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
