I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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