The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
