when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
