Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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