Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
