i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
