please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
