She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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