She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
