Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
