why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
