just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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