Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
cat food counts as protein by the way
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
