my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
