i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
