He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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