well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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