Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
