yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
