shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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