I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
