somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
As shirtless as possible
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I need a beard to bite.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
