I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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