Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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