remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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