Fine. I'll sleep in my office
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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