I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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