What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
