Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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