I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
