Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
