Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
