Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
